≈ [almost equal to]

CAST

 

MANI (man, 35)
CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN (old man)
ANDREJ (man, 25)
PETER (man, 30)
LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE (woman, 50)
SILVANA (woman, 60, ANDREJ’S mom)
IVAN (boy, 13, ANDREJ’S little brother)
EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY (older woman)
EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN (older man)
JOB APPLICATION (a piece of paper)
THE EMPLOYERS (men/women)
LAURA LORENZO (woman, 20)
MARTINA (woman, 35)
MARTINA 2 (woman, 35)
CUSTOMER 1, 2, 3
THE JOB COACH (woman, 45)
ANGELIKA (voice)
THE REVEREND (man/woman)
THE INTERMISSION SPEAKER (a man/woman with strong arms)
FREJA (woman, 60)

 

ACTORS:
Up to you. 4-20 in total.

 

TIME:
The present.

 

SETTING:
Here.

 

--<>--<>--<>--<>--<>--<>--

 

Go now, little paper, around the world, and destroy the tyranny of money such that gold, silver, and precious gems may one day cease to be the idols and tyrants of our world!

August Nordenskiöld (1789)

 

--<>--<>--<>--<>--<>--<>--

 

SCENE: INTRO-VAN HOUTEN’S THEOREM

MANI sits on the edge of the stage.

MANI

I’m falling, I lose my balance, I fall over the edge and then time stops and I wake up in a lecture hall . . . I’m alone . . . Or . . . I thought I was alone . . . but then I look out at the audience and realize that . . . there’s a lot of people sitting out there . . . a lot a lot of people . . . they’re looking at me and I’m looking at them and . . .

MANI enters the role of lecturer.

MANI

No, no, no. Don’t believe everything you hear. The history of economics is not boring. It’s not soulless. It’s not a bunch of dry theories and dull graphs. In fact, it’s the opposite. The history of economics is full of scatterbrains and freethinkers, geniuses and madmen. Theorists who were so smothered by the ages they lived in that they felt compelled to use their knowledge to create credible alternative worlds. Worlds that still shimmer and fill those of us who are left behind with hope and courage. For example: Casparus van Houten.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN enters.

 

MANI

The year is 1828. Casparus van Houten, in Amsterdam, has just patented the hydraulic press that will revolutionize the production of cocoa powder.

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN cheers.

 

MANI

Van Houten makes a fortune. He becomes one of Europe’s most renowned producers of chocolate. But at the pinnacle of his career, he decides to take a step back. Why?

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN and MANI shrug.

 

MANI

Researchers have scoured his diaries for clues. In March of 1841 he writes:

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

I have been afflicted by an emptiness and I cannot bring myself out of it.

 

MANI

In August of 1841:

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

I miss the days when I had an appetite for life.

 

MANI

In February of 1842:

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Everything seems so empty. Is this really all there is to to life?

 

MANI

That’s what he wrote, word for word.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

To to life.

 

MANI

An accidental repetition. What had happened to Casparus van Houten? Some people claim that he had been struck by what we would call depression today.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Depre-huh?

 

MANI

Melancholy.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Hogwash.

 

MANI

Other researchers have put forth the theory that he was “sexually frustrated.”

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Nonsense.

 

MANI

There are even those who claim that van Houten, at the height of his career, was seized by a fear of Mamona. The goddess of Wealth and the Market.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

What? As if I would believe in such superstition?

 

MANI

Mamona. The name comes from the Latin word “Mammon” — riches, belongings, but it also means “something that can be trusted.”

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Hmmph, do I look like a mystic?

 

MANI

What we do know is that Casparus van Houten sold his operation in September of 1842.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

At a loss, to my incompetent son.

 

MANI

He returned to the university and spent the rest of his life deepening his knowledge in four subjects.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Economics, jurisprudence, the growth habits of small plants, and the mating calls of diving ducks.

 

MANI

Three weeks before his death, he formulated the economic hypothesis that would come to be called “Van Houten’s Theorem.”

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

A humble attempt to understand and quantify experiences.

 

MANI

Let’s look at a practical example. The year is [year]. [The number of people in the audience] people decide to invest [the price of a ticket to this play] dollars in the hope of having an unforgettable experience.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

So [the number of people in the audience] people times [the ticket price] dollars equals [the product of the number of people in the audience times the ticket price = UX] dollars.

 

MANI

Thus van Houten’s theorem teaches us — in all its simplicity — that the collective goal of this investment is to procure entertainment worth at least [UX] dollars.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Let us call this value UX, or the expected User Experience.

 

MANI

Or, in more modern terminology: “minimum acceptable rate of return,” often abbreviated as MARR.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

Thus UX is the value everyone ought to have in mind before making an investment in an experience.

 

MANI

If the experience delivers an entertainment value greater than UX, it is a sound investment.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN

A successful evening.

 

MANI

However, if the entertainment value falls short of UX, the investment is unsound.

 

CASPARUS VAN HOUSTEN

All that remains is the stale taste of regret.

 

MANI

This is what he writes in his diary.

 

CASPARUS

And the insight that one has wasted his energy on a transient experience. Like chocolate.

 

MANI

Or the theater. Three weeks later, he breathes his last. Welcome.

 

Curtain up. MANI and CASPARUS VAN HOUTEN exit.

 

 

ACT I

This act takes place in ANDREJ’S memories of the period when he was unemployed. We follow his struggle to find a way into the economic system.

 

SCENE 2: ANDREJ (1)

PETER stands center stage, ANDREJ and SILVANA enter.

PETER

I’m sorry to bother you, but . . . my name is Peter and I am homeless and I have a little problem. I just found out that my sister has been involved in a car accident.

ANDREJ snorts.

 

PETER

She was run over, she’s in the hospital, and she is in serious but stable condition, I just talked to her and she’s probably going to be okay, but . . .

 

ANDREJ

Don’t believe him.

 

PETER

It would really be awfully kind if someone could help me out with a little bit of money so I can travel down there and visit her. It doesn’t have to be much, just a dollar or two. Or maybe a five?

 

ANDREJ

He says that all the time.

 

PETER

Maybe someone has some loose change in their pocket? Or their purse? No one? Just a few cents? So I can travel down there and visit my sister? A dollar or two or maybe a five?

ANDREJ

“A dollar or two or maybe a five?”

 

PETER

She was run over. She was on her way home from work. Someone shoved her into the street. I need money for a train ticket. I just want to travel down there and visit her. No one? Oh. Well, thanks anyway, have a nice evening.

 

ANDREJ approaches the audience.

 

ANDREJ

It started last fall.

 

PETER

Hi. I’m sorry to bother you, but . . .

 

ANDREJ

I was on my way home, I was going up the escalator, I passed through the turnstiles, and there . . .

 

PETER

My name is Peter.

 

ANDREJ

There he was.

 

PETER

And I’m homeless.

 

ANDREJ

He had blond hair, tattoos on his hand, and piercings in his face.

 

PETER

I am in need of a little money for food and shelter.

 

ANDREJ

After that I saw him every day. When I was on my way to my night class, when I was buying food, when I was picking up my little brother from some friend’s house.

 

IVAN enters.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and I’m homeless.

 

ANDREJ

And it didn’t take long before I caught on that this dude, he was a fucking pro.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter.

 

ANDREJ

Nothing about his behavior was left to chance.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and I’m homeless.

 

ANDREJ

In the daytime he stood between the flower shop and the bakery so that his stench would be masked by the scent of flowers and fresh buns. In the evenings, when there weren’t as many people around, he stood further down the tunnel and held open the door for people who were trying to make it to the bus.

 

PETER

Here you go. Have a nice evening.

 

ANDREJ

And on payday he always stood over by the ATM.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter. A little help for the homeless?

 

ANDREJ

Or: a little help for a bogus homeless dude who knows exactly how to cheat his way to as much cash as possible? And every day, that same goddamn mantra.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter.

 

ANDREJ

Yeah, we know.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and I live on the streets.

 

ANDREJ

No, you don’t.

 

PETER

A dollar or two, or maybe a five?

 

ANDREJ

Okay! That’s enough! (to the audience) I was the only one who saw through him. Sure, maybe he smelled bad and had scars on his arms, but at the same time . . .

 

PETER

A few cents for a warm meal?

 

ANDREJ

He had a cell phone.

 

PETER

A little help so I don’t have to sleep out in the rain tonight?

 

ANDREJ

No, for real. A seriously flashy phone. And every time he got a call he would walk off a little ways so people wouldn’t notice.

 

PETER

Maybe a five?

 

ANDREJ

Honestly: what kind of homeless dude has a phone like that? And sure, he had a shopping cart full of returnable bottles, but guess what was hidden underneath? Just guess. A guitar case. With a guitar in it.

 

PETER

(well-mannered) No, okay then. Well, thank you anyway, have a nice trip.

 

ANDREJ

And plus there was something wrong with his voice.

 

PETER

(even more well-mannered) No, okay then. Well, thank you anyway, have a nice trip.

 

ANDREJ

Instead of slurring his words and cursing, he talked like . . . sort of like this, with his voice up high. Kinda like an actor.

 

PETER

(even more well-mannered) No, okay then. Well, thank you anyway, my dear sir. Do have a pleasant day.

 

ANDREJ

That’s exactly how he talked. But I was the only one who saw through him. Everyone else just drowned him in ones and fives and one time I saw an old lady give him a ten just because he had made up some lie about how he needed the money to go visit his sister.

 

PETER

Oh, thank you so much. This will go straight to my travel funds. She will be so happy.

 

ANDREJ

That’s exactly what he said.

 

PETER

SOOOO happy.

 

PETER exits.

 

ANDREJ

Sure. Like he had a “sister” who had been “run over.” It was so obvious that he was lying, and I promised myself I would never be like him.

 

ANDREJ (CONT’D.)

I was going to finish my night class, learn the system, and get myself a job with a huge salary, Christmas bonus, beautiful secretary, and flashy company car. But of course I would keep helping out my mom with the rent so she would never again have to sit up at night with her calculator, worrying about the next power bill.

 

SILVANA, ANDREJ’S mom, enters.

 

SILVANA

But you have to watch out for Mamona.

 

ANDREJ

What did you say, Mom?

 

SILVANA

Mamona. Don’t let Mamona get her sharp claws into you.

 

ANDREJ

No worries.

 

SILVANA

Because what would happen then? What will happen if Mamona gets into your head?

 

ANDREJ

I would start to see the world through Mamona’s eyes.

 

SILVANA

And your hands?

 

ANDREJ

They would become Mamona’s.

 

SILVANA

And your thoughts?

 

ANDREJ

They would become Mamona’s.

 

SILVANA

And soon you can’t do your friends a favor without asking for money and you can’t help your own mother without sending an invoice and your pupils turn into tiny little black dollar signs.

 

ANDREJ

Don’t worry.

 

SILVANA

Your morals will turn into a balance sheet.

 

ANDREJ

No problem, I’m not going to . . .

 

SILVANA

Your family will turn into inheritances.

 

ANDREJ

Okay! I get it! I’ll watch out for Mamona. I won’t end up like Dad. I will stay myself and I won’t think only of money.

 

SILVANA

Good. That’s all I ask.

 

SILVANA exits.

 

ANDREJ

(to the audience) I will not buy an apartment where the elevator opens directly into the front hall and there’s a sound system that knows when I arrive home and turns itself on and there will not be a TV in the kitchen and the bedroom will not have a real walk-in closet, the kind with a light that comes on as soon as you open the door, with rows and rows of shiny, polished shoes and soft ties on special hooks and jackets that still have price tags on them and brand-name shirts sorted by color on wooden hangers. I will keep cutting my own hair and I will never order an entrée without checking the price first. Just a plain old job. That was my plan. But nothing went as planned.

 

 

SCENE 3: ANDREJ (2)

 

ANDREJ

That autumn went on and my night class ended and I got the second-best grades in the class and after the last time our class met I stopped by the liquor store.

 

We are transported to THE LIQUOR STORE, the LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE enters.

 

ANDREJ

Excuse me . . .

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Yes?

 

ANDREJ

The champagne. Where is it?

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

We have it right over here.

 

ANDREJ

And as we walked toward the right shelf, she was thinking:

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Champagne? What do you want champagne for?

 

ANDREJ

But instead she said:

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Is there any particular sort of champagne you were looking for?

 

ANDREJ

And she looked at me from behind her blue makeup and it was a simple question, I should have been able to answer it, but . . .

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Hey there. Hello? Is there any particular sort of champagne you were looking for?

 

ANDREJ whispers something into the LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE’S ear.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Excuse me?

 

ANDREJ whispers again.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Sure, of course, something with “lots of carbonation.” I’m sure we’ll be able to find something. This one, for example, has plenty of bubbles. This one is nice too; it’s a bit drier with hints of golden apples, nuts, chocolate, and minerals.

 

ANDREJ looks around, at a loss.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

But listen . . . you know, you can always buy sparkling wine instead. It has bubbles, of course, and it tastes more or less the same as champagne. But it’s considerably cheaper.

 

ANDREJ

No, we want champagne. Real champagne. No impostors. We have a degree to celebrate.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Oh, how lovely. In that case I would recommend this one.

 

ANDREJ

She held out the bottle and I recognized the label — it had some French name.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

It’s a true classic.

 

ANDREJ

I checked the price.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Was there anything else?

 

ANDREJ

Fifty bucks.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Hope you enjoy it.

 

ANDREJ

Fifty fucking dollars.

 

LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE

Thank you.

 

ANDREJ

I held the bottle tight, I walked to the cash register, there was a line, I stood at the end of it.

 

SILVANA enters, ANDRE begins to hear his mother’s voice.

 

SILVANA

Mamona! Watch out for Mamona!

 

ANDREJ

I was trying to make people happy.

 

SILVANA

Fifty dollars! For some bubbles?

 

ANDREJ

I kept standing there.

 

SILVANA

Didn’t you hear me? Fifty dollars? That’s two pairs of shoes! That’s food for a week!

 

ANDREJ

I looked down at the bottle.

 

SILVANA

Hello!? That’s almost half a month’s subway pass! That’s eight pizzas! That’s . . .

 

ANDREJ

When the line didn’t move, I went back and switched out the bottle for sparkling wine.

 

SILVANA

Good job.

 

ANDREJ

The bottle was the same size and was, like, the same color, and after all, sparkling wine is practically the same thing as champagne. Just cheaper.

 

SCENE 4: ANDREJ (3)

We are transported to ANDREJ’S family’s home. SILVANA remains onstage, IVAN enters.

 

ANDREJ

Then I went home and told them about my grades and showed them my diploma and told my little brother that it was real champagne.

 

IVAN

What? Seriously? Real champagne? Can I have a taste?

 

ANDREJ

Are you crazy?

 

IVAN

Come on — just a little?

 

ANDREJ

Quit it.

 

IVAN

Just one drop.

 

ANDREJ

You’re thirteen.

 

IVAN

Just a sip, come on, one tiny sip.

 

SILVANA

Okay.

 

ANDREJ AND SILVANA

Cheers! To the future!

 

IVAN

Wow! Yum! What, so like you can get a job anywhere now?

 

ANDREJ

Pretty much. Because it was pretty much true. And what we were drinking was pretty much champagne and Mom looked pretty much happy.

 

SILVANA beckons ANDREJ over.

 

SILVANA

How much?

 

ANDREJ

Huh?

 

SILVANA

How much did it cost? The champagne?

 

ANDREJ

Oh, don’t worry about it. Just enjoy it!

 

SILVANA

Seriously. How much did it cost?

 

ANDREJ

Not that much.

 

SILVANA

But how much?

 

ANDREJ

Mom, it doesn’t matter.

 

SILVANA

Yes, it does matter! For me, it matters.

 

ANDREJ

It’s sparkling wine, okay? It cost like eight bucks. But don’t say anything to . . .

 

IVAN

(burps) I can tell it’s real.

 

ANDREJ

And the fishy thing was, instead of getting disappointed she looked happy, her shoulders un-tensed and she took a big sip and when my little bro wanted to taste more she let him and I thought about that later on, how she seemed to be incapable of enjoying anything expensive, and how relaxed she got when she found out it was cheap. And I remembered that time my little bro found out that this coat he got was new, not a hand-me-down from me and how he, like, couldn’t believe that it had never been worn before, that it was brand spanking new and he asked about it over and over.

 

IVAN

What do you mean? No one’s ever worn it before?

 

ANDREJ

No, it’s new.

 

IVAN

But, I mean, no one has ever worn it before?

 

ANDREJ

No, you idiot. It’s new!

 

IVAN

What, like not even YOU wore it before?

 

ANDREJ

NO, you freaking idiot, we just bought it, stop asking!

 

ANDREJ

And he put on his coat and wore it around inside for hours, even though it was this gross shade of green with a black lining and that night an argument broke out because Mom wanted him to take it off to sleep and he refused and the next day he wanted to wear it at the breakfast table and sure, things were a little tight, but it was me and my little bro and my mom against the world and now everything was going to turn around, I could just feel it.

 

 

SCENE 5: ANDREJ (4)

We are transported to the EMPLOYMENT AGENCY.

 

ANDREJ

On Monday I went to the employment agency to register myself and I wasn’t sure how it all worked, so I walked up to the information desk and the lady behind the register looked up from her computer with eyes that were almost as tired as Mom’s after a double shift.

 

The EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY enters.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Yes?

 

ANDREJ

Hi, I was just wondering how I can get registered.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Get registered?

 

ANDREJ

Yes? As a job-seeker?

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

As a job-seeker?

 

ANDREJ

Yeah, I mean. I need a job.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

A job?

 

ANDREJ

Mmhmm, a job.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Getting registered is no problem at all. It’s not too complicated.

 

ANDREJ

Okay.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

You start by taking four steps back. Can you do that?

 

ANDREJ

Mmhmm.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Then turn your head sixty or sixty-five degrees to the left.

 

ANDREJ

Mmhmm?

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

What does it say? There on the sign?

 

ANDREJ

That if you want to register as a job-seeker you have to take a number.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

So now you need to take a number. Which number did you get?

 

ANDREJ

Fifty-four.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Now you just have to sit down and wait your turn. Can you do that? Wait your turn?

 

ANDREJ

I went back and sat down.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Forty-seven!

 

ANDREJ

I waited.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Forty-eight!

 

ANDREJ

I remained calm.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Forty-nine!

 

ANDREJ

I did not jump over the counter, I did not beat her up, I did not kick her unconscious.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Fifty!

 

ANDREJ

Instead I got up and browsed the public computer for job openings.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Fifty-one!

 

ANDREJ

There were tons of them. Audit executives, sales agents, accountants.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Fifty-two!

 

ANDREJ

Executive assistants, business consultants.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY

Fifty-three! Fifty-three? No fifty-three? How about fifty-four?

 

ANDREJ

Here!

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY LADY exits, EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN enters.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Welcome, Andrej! Come on in! What can I do for you today?

 

ANDREJ

I’d like to get registered as a job-seeker.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Sure thing. I’ll get that done in a jiffy. I don’t suppose you happen to have a résumé with you?

 

ANDREJ

I do.

 

He produces his résumé.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Wonderful! And don’t tell me, you also brought your transcript?

 

ANDREJ

Yes, here it is.

 

He produces his transcript.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Fantastic! And I don’t suppose there’s any chance you have completed some sort of post-secondary schooling as well?

 

ANDREJ

I just finished an evening course in basic economics and marketing.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Brilliant! Then we’ll enter you in the system right away.

 

ANDREJ

I printed out a few jobs that looked like they might be a good fit.

 

The EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN quickly glances through ANDREJ’S job picks.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Interesting, interesting, interesting, interesting.

 

ANDREJ

Except it sounded more like he was saying . . .

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Imbecile, imbecile, imbecile, imbecile.

 

ANDREJ

Excuse me?

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Well, I mean. I believe many of these employers require slightly different types of experience and education than what you have. But what would you say to sanitation?

 

ANDREJ

Sanitation?

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Mmhmm, sanitation. You appear to be in good physical shape. Do you have any experience working with pressure washers?

 

ANDREJ

No, I mean. Uh, I’m really hoping to work with something along the lines of finance or marketing or, like, sales. Like an executive assistant? Couldn’t I start by applying to jobs like that?

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Sure. You’re right. You have nothing to lose by applying.

 

ANDREJ

And you don’t think my last name will be a roadblock?

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

I’m sorry?

 

ANDREJ

My last name.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Oh dear. No. I don’t think that will be a roadblock. It shouldn’t be a roadblock. And if it IS a roadblock, then it’s wrong for it to be a roadblock. Truly wrong. But I hope it is not a roadblock. But here — just to be on the safe side. Take this as well.

 

ANDREJ

And then he handed me a list of companies that were looking for industrial sanitation workers. I went home and started applying for jobs.

 

SCENE 6: ANDREJ (5)

We return to ANDREJ’S HOME

 

ANDREJ

But the guy at the employment agency was wrong.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

You have nothing to lose by applying.

 

ANDREJ

Bullshit. You lose time.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

You have plenty of time.

 

ANDREJ

You lose forty-nine cents for each stamp, ten cents per envelope, fifteen cents for each time you print, and twenty-five cents for each grade transcript.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

So? That’s nothing.

 

ANDREJ

49+10+15+25=99 cents, let’s say one dollar for every application.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

And what is one dollar? One dollar is nothing. It’s a gas station ice cream. It’s five packs of Ramen.

 

ANDREJ

I applied for ten jobs; ten jobs times one dollar is ten dollars.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

So? Ten dollars is a movie ticket.

 

ANDREJ

I applied for twenty jobs.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

So? Twenty dollars isn’t all that much, either. It’s dinner and a beer at a crappy restaurant.

 

ANDREJ

I applied for forty jobs.

 

EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN

Okay. I see what you’re saying.

 

The EMPLOYMENT AGENCY MAN exits, the JOB APPLICATION enters.

 

ANDREJ

I used all my knowledge from my marketing course.

 

JOB APPLICATION

Hi, my name is Andrej. I have a high school diploma and have recently completed an evening course in economics and marketing.

 

ANDREJ

I varied my message based on the preferences of those I was addressing.

 

JOB APPLICATION

Hi. My name is Andrej. I have a high school diploma and I have always been very good with animals.

 

ANDREJ

Sometimes I stuck to a very modest tone.

 

JOB APPLICATION

It would truly be an honor to be given the chance to come to an interview at your place of business.

 

ANDREJ

Sometimes I went with a different style.

 

JOB APPLICATION

Now is the time. Take advantage of this opportunity— hire me now! Tomorrow may be too late!

 

ANDREJ

I tried hard not to sound desperate.

 

JOB APPLICATION

Please contact me if you are interested.

 

ANDREJ

I never lied.

 

JOB APPLICATION

I LOVE NUMBERS!

 

ANDREJ

But sure. Sometimes I exaggerated.

 

JOB APPLICATION

Being given the chance to work as a financial assistant for your particular town would fulfill one of my life-long dreams.

 

ANDREJ

But no matter what I did, the response was always the same. First there was a lengthy silence. And then

— an envelope. And the thought that now . . . now it will finally happen!

 

THE EMPLOYERS (SPLITTING UP THE LINES)

Hello. Thanks for your interest. Many, many applications. Long, complicated process. Unfortunately turned out. You are not not NOT the one we are looking for. Do you get it? Again, you are NOT the one we are looking for. And it is not just because of your bizarrely long and extremely unpronounceable last name. You are underqualified. You are untalented. You look awfully ugly in your attached photo. You are a dumbass. We are laughing at you. We actually put your application up on the fridge in the break room and every time we walk by it we laugh scornfully at it like this HAHAHA (laughter) Look at the dumbass, we say, holding our hand up to our mouth so we don’t spray everyone with pastry crumbs. Look at the dumbass who thought a night class in economics would be enough to get hired here! (laughter) And later, when the workday is over, we go home to our apartments where there is no little brother to ask us why we don’t move out, why we don’t have a job, why we just sit at home licking envelopes all day.

 

ANDREJ

And I’ll be honest. I wanted to give up. But I didn’t give up. I thought that if I gave up I would be just like everyone else. I lowered my standards, I applied to janitor jobs, I applied to industrial sanitizing jobs, I applied and applied and all the while, the same answer, the same letters, the same phone calls.

 

EVERYONE

Unfortunately.

 

ANDREJ

And every time I went down to the convenience store to buy stamps I saw that cunt Peter standing there with his paper mug full of money.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and I’m homeless.

 

ANDREJ

He had made changes.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and this is my guitar.

 

ANDREJ

He was diversifying his message based on the personal preferences of his customers.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and for a dollar I’ll play a song (sings) Or wait — for a dollar I’ll stop singing.

 

ANDREJ

He understood the market potential of variation.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and I am three bucks away from being able to buy some vino. I don’t suppose you could help me out?

 

ANDREJ

Sometimes he was honest, sometimes he tried to joke around.

 

PETER

Hi, my name is Peter and I’m the CEO of a listed company — give me a dollar to cover my next parachute.

 

ANDREJ

But this particular time he was going with the crying method. He sat there in silence, with fake tears in his eyes, rocking back and forth and hugging his knees and checking his phone, and I passed him without seeing him, I went into the convenience store, I bought my stamps, and then, on the way home . . .

 

PETER

Excuse me. My name is Peter and I’m homeless and I just found out my sister was run over and . . . I need money for a train ticket so I can go visit her. I don’t suppose you could . . . ? (pause) Or?

 

ANDREJ waves Peter over and pretends to be looking through his pockets for money.

 

ANDREJ

Fuck your sister.